Steve - Rebreathes

It's an odd feeling to have it brought back to you that your actions have consequences.

It's not necessarily a bad one. I guess it's a breath of fresh air in a way, to know that you're not some ghost who just drifts through people and life in a non-corporeal way. In a world where we have so little power to affect things and even less to effect things... we can all empathise with the school shooters, sharing their desire to make something happen, whatever the cost.

I'm kidding myself if I think this is going to fix me, even with the conversation I had with grace last night, but it feels like I have a little more room to breathe. Room to perhaps make myself a bit better.

I think relativity is the problem here, or at least that's a way of thinking about it.

If objectivity existed then relationships would be easy. If you could just explain how things are then everything would be easy. Unfortunately the impossibility of that is precisely what makes relationships so difficult. You're trying to reconcile two relative realities, and there are a lot of frictions to deal with in that.

But, while it's important that we remain immersed in that, perhaps sometimes it's useful to look at it from another perspective. These conflicts happen, they were always going to, and they will do again. I'm needy, dependent, fragile, sensitive, morose, spiteful, and self-pitying, while at the same time making it generally rather difficult for people to help me with that. You're... that's not for me to say, but there are things that conflict with me there. If we are two objects that come together, there are spikes on you where there are sore parts on me. There are times I wish those parts of you would go away, and I'm pretty sure you feel the same about me sometimes (I know I do). Doesn't meant they're going to, especially with all this distance, and I doubt either of us expect them to.

Which is the important bit. While there is conflict there, as long as we can accept that conflict and keep in mind that it won't disappear, it's okay. If it got too much to take, then maybe something solid would have to be done, but at the moment it's not, at least it's not for me. We make eachother unhappy, but as long as we make eachother happy as well then that's okay.

And That's Where It All Falls Down, of course, because I've not felt significant happiness in probably close to a month. But that's not your problem. It's a problem that's beginning to scare me. It means I have very little to give, in love or happiness, and that's not good for my friendships. As well as it generally being not very nice and I don't know why or how to deal with it.

Have you wondered why we do this? Why don't we just talk to eachother directly rather than making vaguely responsive [micro]blogs? Not saying it's a bad thing, it's just been playing on my mind. Maybe it avoids direct conflict.