Ordinarily I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. A self-defence mechanism I picked up a long time ago was to blame myself for problems that occur in my relationships with people. It's not particularly healthy, but it keeps angry problems to a minimum...
...and in some small way I'm getting back at them, because I know they won't like the idea that I'm hurting as long and severely as I am for their benefit.
And that's part of what makes it so effective, because I'm expressing my anger even as I suppress it. Doesn't help all the time, but when I decide to redirect it inwards it makes it all easier.
But not all the time. Sometimes I just want to hurt people, to make them understand what they're making me feel. Sometimes I try, and most of the time I just end up feeling powerless because actually making people hurt takes a far cooler head than I have at that point. It wouldn't achieve anything either way, because people seem far more skilled in making me hurt than I am at making them hurt. I'm glad of that most of the time.
And when I really am angry, I get more vulnerable and self-doubting. With all the things that get said in angry moments, I generally end up worse off if I express it at anyone.
It's people not caring about me that makes me angry, mostly. I feel so used sometimes, and I probably am used. I don't really mind it most times, but when I'm really feeling awful and need a little... I dunno, humouring, taking care of... I know it's high-maintenance and stupid and I guess it can get monotonous... but I try so hard for other people, for myself... is it too much to ask?
I can't really ask for someone to just provide for me like that, really, can I?
Nor could anyone, really. Like I said before, there's not much to say.
Anyway, that doesn't stop me getting angry. Especially at the most blatant callousnesses.
How can I make this clear to you?
Every time I've said I'm alright in the past month has been a lie. Very nearly every time I've said love in the past month I've not felt it. I think I said it once or twice to Kathy and Rosy and meant it, because I was writing to them and that helped me get in contact with my fondness for them I guess. I can't think of any other time. I'm going to stop saying it when I don't feel it. I don't have enough positive feeling inside me to feel love.
Is this getting through to you?
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