It's dawning on me that, if I were to go to a psychiatrist, I would be diagnosed as mentally ill. Not even just because they're being overbearing either, but because there is something significantly wrong with me.
A while ago, when I'd just come out of such a crushing depression that it took me a while to wake up to the world again, I suddenly remembered chameleons, how they could change the colour of their skin at will. I actually had to look this up to verify it, because my view of the world had desaturated so much that it seemed implausible that such incredible things could exist.
I feel desaturated now. This period from the 23rd Dec 2008 to present has been the worst I've felt for a long time, at least over such a long period. I react to seemingly everything as an opportunity for dark pearl reasoning, like a cent gliding over the surface of a charity money spinner.
Invader Zim once sent me into a night of awful emotion. I mean, I must have been in a bad place anyway, but every so often I have nights where I feel the worst I've ever felt. Uberdepressions. Anyway, Invader Zim sent me into that because'f the art style. It's so... dank. So pessimistic. And it corresponds to how I see the world when I'm in these places.
This all sounds terribly emo. Sadly, I'm not expressing even half of what I'm feeling like. I can't even communicate that without falling into cliché.
Thank god I'm worth putting up with, for some people at least. I had a conversation with myself yesterday where I tried to remind myself all the good things about me. However much you might hurt people out of your faults, you do care, and by-and-large you do good for the people in your life. You make them feel happiness, love, calm, safety, as much as you can at the moment. You've gotten so much better, you've come so far in such a relatively short time. Three years ago you were a dick, and yet your opinion of yourself is so much lower now than then? It doesn't fit, you know that. Feel good about yourself for once, you really do deserve it. Lover, love thyself.
Sigh, I don't know. I only felt the tiniest twinge of it when I wrote that. I felt it more yesterday, for a second or two perhaps...
I swear, the further this entry goes, the more it descends into emo. I dunno, I don't really care.
1 comment:
You are certainly worth putting up with, and that would be the bare minimum, you are worth much more than that. I do not help it, I'm sure. My interpersonal skills leave much to be desired but do not doubt your self worth, never that. You have been nothing but good to me, for me. You said it plain and plain enough: lover, love thyself, as thou art loved.
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