Steve - Is Away

Handed all my work in yesterday, on time. I think I was in the minority for my group for doing so. The rest got an extension due to head issues mainly, which troubles me because I've had head issues and I still managed to get the work done comfortably. Sometimes I wish I would break more often, be more fragile. I'd like people to care, to sympathise. That's probably not a good thing to want, but I dunno... it'd make me feel nice, less alone.

These blog entries are so emo. I'd like everyone who reads this to know that I'm not always like this >_> This just seems to be my outlet for these particular feelings. Also, if your name is Amy and you're reading this, get online!

I should probably give myself a project over the holiday. What should it be I wonder?

I've been thinking about gender again. Sparked a bit by my rereading of The Brains of Rats.

I won't say I feel trapped by my body, though I want to, because I don't, not really. It's my body, and there things I can and can't do, and ways I feel about that, but they're not really to do with gender.

But sometimes, I do so long to be a girl.

There's a lot to that sentence, as any sentence, but to that one especially. I'll explain:

Sometimes: Not all the time, sometimes I'm not thinking about it, and sometimes I fall in love with the way I look, enough to forget.

I do so: This is an interesting triptych of words. It brings to mind old fashioned romance novels and such. This is purposeful, because it is that kind of feeling. A sort of unrequited longing. Unrequited because I know it will never happen.

long: Because it is a longing. It's not a wanting, it's a longing. I don't know how else to describe it.

to be: Be? That's a strong word, especially combined with I. It means I want to transform somehow, to change what I actually means. Then again, do nouns actualise verbs or do verbs actualise nouns?

a girl: Note that I did not say woman. I know I feel uncomfortable calling myself a man, terribly uncomfortable. I don't know if this is for age or gender. I can feel okay, good even, calling myself a boy, it seems to fit me somewhat. It's also a more feminine word, or at least a less masculine word. Being a girl though... I don't know, it stirs things in me. And being a woman feels like something I could grow into.

What kind of girl would I be? What would I look like? I like thinking about that question. I don't know though, there are all kinds of ways I could look. I don't want to have to decide really. I want to learn to love my body whatever it might... have turned out to be.

I dunno.

I want someone to take an interest in my art, too. I want someone to ask me important and pressing questions about it. I want someone to make their own interpretations. The interview last night was good in that way, but it was mostly about my old stuff. I dunno, I'd do it for them too, of course, and enjoy it. No one really does it for me, but the few questions I do get are wonderful. It seems like the more art I do, the harder it gets to really express what I want to.

I wish someone would use me. Exploit me. Not necessarily sexually. At least that way I'd feel like I'm some use to someone. At the moment I just feel mediocre.

Gosh, this whole entry has been very emo. Ah well.

Anyway, the title. I'm going home today. Doesn't make much difference to anyone who reads this, but still...