Steve - Thinks A Bad Thought

You said I'd be the one you remember as self-obsessed
'Cause every fucking word that I tell you's really self-addressed
~ WHY?

Sometimes I wonder how much I have the power to hurt people. I know there are limits to my mental and emotional abilities, just as there are limits to my physical abilities, even though a lot of them I'll never meet, but I wonder exactly where they are.

Could I destroy someone? Could I kill someone without harming them physically? Maybe, maybe not. I hope I'll never find out, of course, but that doesn't stop me wondering. Problem is, I can only feel so guilty, and so scared. After things get too big for my head, those feelings disappear. Death is too big for me, so I'm not sure I'd feel very much, except perhaps about the little things. If someone close to me died, I'd probably get upset about little things we used to do or in-jokes or aspects or something.

I'd have to choose my mark carefully, of course. I'd want to choose someone who is socially isolated and who I can make close to me. Someone with a wide social network... it'd probably be possible but it'd be much more difficult and much easier to slip up. I'd probably have to choose someone who was leaning towards it anyway too, else approach it from an obtuse angle or something. And it'd require a lot of time, the more difficult the person the longer it would take. Some people perhaps a year, year and a half, others maybe five or ten years, maybe even longer. You know the story about the frog in the slowly-boiling pan? If you boil it gradually enough it won't hop out and will eventually die. That.

I'd need to slowly pick up on what things can make them feel certain ways, and then gradually start to act on them over a long period. Perhaps guide them gently into a life they'd rather not lead as well.

I don't really want to think about this anymore. This surprises me, I thought I'd be able to go in depth and such, but seems it's just too uncomfortable a thought and thing to re-enact in my head for me. I suppose that's not really a bad thing.

I do wonder if someone could and how someone would do it to me though. A part of me secretly likes the idea of it happening to me. Having my mind slowly gone through, having all my weaknesses separated out, and then gradually used against me. I dunno, there's something seductive about having me, something of beauty and complexity (not more beautiful than anyone else, but everyone's mind is a pretty amazing thing I think, and that goes for me too), destroyed. And, from a desire-to-understand-myself point of view, it'd be interesting to see how they did it. Aaaand, it'd be nice in a strange sort of way to have someone take that much interest in me.

God this is a weird and morbid entry. Too morbid even for me, and that's saying something. I don't like it.

Today I went into my old school and saw friends. It was wonderful, saw Rosy. She's wonderful :) And has nice hair. Got to spend the whole lunchtime with her! And lots of hugs, that was very nice too. I've missed her. Didn't see Jade though :( Rosy though. RosyRosyRosy. Must be better with letters next term!

Anyway, I have little else to write about. I wore an outfit consisting of completely new clothes today. I liked it :)