Not that I couldn't relate to the lyrics when they're written down. Music about saying you love someone when you don't, yeah I can relate to that, but... the music is so much more intense than anything I've ever felt in that direction. Pretty much all musics are intense, the ones about emotions especially, so much so that I feel like my emotional experiences are inadequate by comparison.
Do musicians live lives so different from mine that they encounter all these things? How do I do that?
There are two other possibilities, of course. The first is that music is so intense because it has to compensate for not being 'real'. A song about breaking up with someone will never be as intense as actually breaking up with someone, so musicians compensate and squeeze all the intensity out of sound that they can. I do this too, as a photographer, though I never do as a writer... don't think so anyway.
The other possibility is that I'm dead inside. Well, not exactly that, but I do always seem to react with less intensity, feel with less intensity, than my peers. To the point where I sometimes wonder if I've been dissociative my whole life and not known it. I was once called the calmest person ever. I think I get it from my father, he's always been able to deal with pretty much anything without much of a change in composure.
Thing is though, it's often that I do feel intensely. Probably every day. Love, I feel very often, excitement, yeah, those are good ones. And the bad ones, of rejection (nearly always perceived rather than real), anger (though almost never at people), anxiety.
But nothing happens with them. I recently looked myself in the mirror while I was feeling the most awful I'd felt in a while, and I looked completely neutral. I didn't know what to make of that. Not at all. When I'm happy and lovey and excited that generally shows up in my behaviour, but when I'm upset... nothing. What the fuck? How is that fair? I can see sadness and upset in other people easy enough, how come I can't see it in me? Can anyone?
There's some irony here, but I can't put my finger on it.
Here's something I made the other day (warning, large image):
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