Steve - Finds Himself Disturbed

There's a different vibe flowing through me at the moment, a different breeze, a different wave. Seems like my friends are disappearing or fading, and replacing them are these... people. They share the following characteristics:

1. They're generally into some form of art (writing, photography, film)
2. They're female, but that's nothing new really.
   
3. I am the one to seek them out, or initiate the communication with them, whereas in the past it's been people wanting to talk to me for some reason.
   
4. They confuse me.

Points three and four are the important ones, really, and they're linked.

I'm 'experienced' in forming new relationships. It sounds arrogant, but... it's true. At least, a certain kind of relationship. I have an intuition for it, about what happens. When I want to be friends with someone, it's generally happened. My 'sub'conscious nudges me at the right times to say the right things, and this lets my relationships with people progress at a fair rate. Maybe this is all delusion, but it seems to work and happen... not necessarily as I expect, but... like in a nuclear reactor. It's a complicated and chaotic series of events that can get out of control quickly, but even though you might not expect everything, you can keep things going in the direction you expect them to. It's kind of like that.

It's generally true that the important things when trying to 'figure someone out' are the bits that aren't there. The things they subtly avoid talking about, the things they skip over in emails, the things that don't happen. They're tricky to notice, because they don't happen and so you have to actively watch for them. Sometimes they're misleading, but even if they're misleading, there's still something there.

And that's part of what's confusing. The gaps are different in these people. In one, the gap is practically all-enveloping. There's such precious little information that it seems like islands in a big nothingness. From knowing her so long, I've managed to connect the dots to some degree, but she's largely shrouded in mystery.

In another, the gaps are there and seem to form some kind of a pattern, but they're irregularly formed, or there's not quite enough gaps to make sense of what's beneath. They're all on one side and so I can't get much of an idea of what it is.

In another there seems to be no gaps at all. She's almost brazen about how plain and obvious her truth is. The only gaps are the ones I don't want to investigate, not until there's a bit more connective tissue to compensate for the obvious conflicts that will ensue (if only in my head), and I doubt they'll be any less plain. But how can I adhere if there are no gaps to link to? Without secrets, how can trust be communicated? This is the most startling for me, though perhaps this is because it is the most fresh in my mind.

The other thing is confidence. I've not got huge reserves of confidence to propel me through self-esteem blackspots. Since I've sought out these people, I'm the one expending confidence in the course of trying to get to know them. If they demonstrate interest in me, I can assure myself that they actually do want to be talking to me, rather than just anyone or specifically not me. I don't know what they think of me, so I'm very sensitised to rejection (as well as approval), and I'll almost look for it. This gets me very up-tight and easily upset. I get that it's a problem with me, but I'm not really sure how to circumvent it or what to do without making false assumptions.

So, I write about it. I overcommunicate even, over-express. One of my big fears is weirding people when I just express in such volumes (which is very easy for me to do). But if I don't, I get more and more worked up. I've already had one experience of that, and I don't intend to repeat it. If it weren't someone who understood to an extent what was going on in my head, it could've been far worse.

So I guess this entry was my outlet for today. I hope I get this all figured out soon, or at least enough of it to allow me to concentrate on one thing.

Queries welcome, though don't blame me if you get an answer longer than this entry XD